Making Meaning- Collecting Evidence of Resilience
The only certainty we can count on in life is that our time on earth will be full of difficult, joyful, surprising and devastating events. Simply put, the only certainty is that there is no certainty. It is nearly impossible to predict the obstacles we will face in our lives. For someone who is trait anxious, my personality leans anxious, this lack of certainty often sends me into an existential spiral. Imagine me, eating chips mindlessly, staring into the distance thinking about the self-imagined hardships of my life that are to come. One of my favorite songs ‘Landslide’ by Fleetwood Mac has a line that speaks to this idea beautifully. Stevie Nicks sings “Can I handle the seasons of my life?” I find this line incredibly poignant. She is asking an age old question, will I be able to rise to the challenges that life meets me with?
I want to normalize this fear that Stevie depicts so poetically. I am going to guess that I am not the only person who worries about their ability to navigate difficult situations. I would hope I am not the only one up at night turning over “what ifs” like a worn penny in my pocket. As a therapist, I believe this anxiety shows up to remind us what we care about. In this case, what we care about is being able to care for ourselves, show up for our loved ones and survive difficult times. I feel that this worry is very normal and very human. Despite this, I find myself wondering, how do we integrate and face moments that are difficult or unexpected? How do we make the hard times useful in our lives? How do we reframe obstacles into lessons?
These are rhetorical questions as there isn’t a straight or true answer. There are, however, ways to reframe and make meaning out of unfortunate events we encounter. In therapy, people are often showing up in my room looking to contend and cope with difficult obstacles they are facing in different seasons of their lives. Whether the obstacle has brought them to therapy or they’ve experienced the obstacle in the midst of therapy, I find myself in a precious and cherished position. It is my job to support, normalize and help them make meaning out of unpleasant, unexpected, and uncomfortable experiences in their lives.
One of my enemies is positive psychology. I am not the type to “look at the bright side” or encourage my clients to find the silver lining. I know that unpleasant feelings need to be felt and that there is deep power in acknowledging when life feels difficult or heavy. I do not shy away from validating my clients with an authentic, ‘that absolutely sucks’. But after we’ve felt our feelings and found our way forward, how do we integrate suffering into our story? I refer to this integration as making meaning. Making meaning is a process of reflecting on and understanding the use, the lesson, or the benefits reaped from a difficult experience and how that meaning influences who we become moving forward.
Let’s circle back for a moment to our friend Stevie Nicks. Her first question was: can I handle the seasons of my life? My follow up question and one I ask my clients when we are trying to make meaning: who have you become through what you have weathered? How have the seasons shaped you? Humans are incredibly resilient, they survive all sorts of seasons. Through difficult times, we evolve exponentially, we are learning, adapting and becoming the person we need to be to survive the event. The most meaningful thing we can do following an unexpected life obstacle is to take the time to recognize how it has changed us and in turn catalog evidence of our resilience. With this evidence, we are able to ease the worry about our ability to surf the waves of the changing ocean tide. (Only real Stevie fans will see what I did there)
Making meaning is a process and often is done in the context of a safe and reflective relationship but can be done on your own using a journal. In the following paragraphs, I will propose a few big reflection questions that can help spark your process of making meaning around a life event. I am going to use an example from my own life that held a lot of weight for me as I was coming of age. I want to acknowledge, I am using this story to create context for our skill of making meaning, not to suggest this story holds the same weight that your season might hold for you.
My obstacle presented itself when I was 17 years old. I had been dumped for the very first time by the first boy I had ever loved. Man oh man, in this coming of age moment I thought to myself, “Stevie, I cannot handle the seasons of my life.” It is probably bringing you a giggle now, but my younger self was obliterated. I didn’t know how to go on, I truly felt that my world had collapsed. I couldn’t make meaning quite yet in the rubble of the hurt, but later in psychotherapy, I was able to make meaning of this experience.
The first essential component to making meaning is being far enough away from the event that you aren’t clouded by the valid feelings of grief that accompany it. In the first few weeks after that break up, I would have claimed there was absolutely nothing to glean from the gut wrenching experience of heartbreak. But with a bit of space between me and the hurt, I could start to see how the experience shaped and informed me. Once we’ve waded through the feelings and are feeling grounded enough to reflect on the event, we can start to make meaning.
The three questions I use to prompt clients when make meaning are as follows:
What did I learn about myself, about the people in this situation, and about my values?
How did I surprise myself during this time? What did I learn about my strengths?
What would I say to a dear friend experiencing the same situation?
Three reflection questions to get you started when making meaning.
These questions should get your gears turning and are an excellent place to start when making meaning. To demonstrate what these questions might bring up for you, let's reference our example. At 17, the heartbreak brought all of my friends toward me. I was deepening relationships and filling my days with adventures to keep my mind off of the hurt. I felt the power of friendship and felt surprised how spontaneous I could be when challenged. I also learned that I was quite poor at processing big feelings in a mature way. I had things to work on, I was not in alignment with my values in how I handled things and I could feel it in that young heart of mine.
This heartbreak eventually became a gift, when I was able to support and reassure my friends when it was their turn to endure this coming of age experience. I told them they weren’t crazy, I connected with their pain, I advised them to stay busy and lean on their friends. I was able to use my hurt to normalize the experience of others around me. For me, that was the meaning. This devastation ended up becoming a source of connection.
The final stage of making meaning is applying what you learned the next time you face a similar situation. When you make meaning or reflect post-milestone, you collect evidence of your ability to survive and grow in turmoil. Here’s what I mean. The next time I encountered heartbreak at 19, I knew I would survive. I knew it would be painful, but I also knew I had made it through the last one. I remembered what I learned, stayed busy and tried to handle the emotions with more grace. I knew what had worked and what I wanted to do differently. The meaning I made back at 17, helped me navigate the obstacle at 19. It helped me know and recognize my resilience. It helped me set intentions and stay just a bit more grounded through the healing.
Sometimes, meaning is difficult to find. In these moments, give yourself some more time to have your valid feelings and revisit in a few months. You can explore meaning on your own or with a trusted friend, family member or of course a compassionate psychotherapist. My challenge for you this week is to practice making meaning out of an event that has long passed. An event that lacks the sting of present feelings. Try your hand at reflecting on the questions suggested and see how it impacts your perception.
The truth is, I will still nervously be eating chips anticipating the unknown. However, I might stop, take a deep breath and reference the bank of evidence I have collected that nods towards my resilience. The meaning I have made in the wake of difficulty, will mean something when soothing my nervousness. It might bring me a moment of peace, knowing that I have always handled the seasons of my life.
